3 posts tagged “tww bfn”

Two words. I only need just two words to describe how I feel. INFERTILITY SUCKS!!

My husband and I had a long talk. We were able to collect our thoughts regarding our 7- 8 years of TTC.

Our IVF journey is officially over, which means our TTC journey as well. It is a very sad day for us. We have (or I have) 1% of conceiving naturally. If that miracle EVER happens, great. If not... we've decided to face the reality. The reality is --we cannot have our own children. It sucks. It really does. It has happened to other couples, many other couples. Unfortunately we are one of them.

IVF is physically and mentally draining (and financially). It's an emotional roller coaster, and there is nothing you can do. I never thought this day would come. I was hoping for a happy ending. It wasn't to be. The 3rd unsuccessful IVF made me realize there has to be an end to it. We've been married for almost 11 years. We've become very fond of each other.  We are good to each other. Some couples have kids and don't have that "happy marriage". At least we have that. We were hoping to have both...

We started to talk about couples without kids. I mean "known couples" like famous people. If they can do it, so can we.
I said, "Beatrix Potter". She was married and had no kids. Who else comes to mind??

Unlike last time, I am not that devastated. First of all, I wasn't given time to build the anxiety of BFN. The period came all the sudden. You know how I feel?  I am just so sad. I am just so disappointed. I think I finally faced the reality that I couldn't overcome the infertility.

Again,

Infertility sucks.

The period appeared. I am so stunned. No other words to describe how I feel right now.

There were absolutely no signs of AF. No PMS. It's not like I was spotting for a couple of days, cramping, no this or that, it just came...

Way earlier than the previous IVFs too ... 13DPO

I'm more stunned because I had no symptoms until this morning.

This afternoon, I noticed bright red spotting, which was not a good sign. Then I was like, "hhmmm, could this be cramps?" then BOOM. The period showed its nasty head.

When I had minor spotting this afternoon, I told my husband about it. He was upset and sad. This is the first he kind of showed any emotions. I could never tell if he was affected by the outcome.

I am going to call Dr in the morning - probably have the blood test done, rather than the schedule beta (Monday, 3/16). 

My mind is so blurred.

12DP4DT (12 day post 4-day transfer) 12DPT (12 day post transfer) 16DPR (16 day post retrieval)

So it's over.

I was really hoping that this infertility blog will graduate into a pregnancy blog then a child rearing blog. I guess that was a wishful thinking. I never thought that was too much to ask.

The only way for me to get pregnant is via IVF. My fallopian tubes are severely damaged due to Stage IV endometriosis. It's pretty much the same as not having the tubes. IVFs are not covered by insurance in New York State. IUI - yes. Since my tubes are not functioning, it's no point in doing IUI.

We've done 2 IVFs which stretched our financial limit. Even if we had means to do another, when will it end? Ideally I just get pregnant right away, so no more worries. I know the reality is harder than that. I've heard of a woman doing 8 IVFs of which 4 were miscarried. To me, that's unfathomable. I totally understand her sentiment, wanting your child desperately. Maybe your body is not compatible with pregnancy. It's not fair, but there it is. I keep asking myself. Why not? Why not me? Or why not anyone who wants to have a baby? I think I can do pretty good job at raising a child. I'm sure I can. My heart cannot sink further. 

One thing I learned from this experience is that symptoms during IVF waiting periods are so irrelevant!! Although both IVFs failed sadly, I had completely different symptoms. That's why I became more hopeful the second time around.

IVF #1=Negative BFN
Lots of pains in ovaries*
Lower back pain*
Sore buttocks
Increased discharge
Cramps
Pink discharge (13 -15DPO)
Sore breasts
Full (more like swollen) breasts
Bloating
Nausea
Increased appetite
Frequent urination
Period came on 16DPO

*=most likely caused by endo symptoms. Dr thought maybe endo was stimulated too much by meds.

IVF #2=Negative BFN
Frequent urination
Brown discharge (11DPO, 14DPO, 15DPO)
Headache (12DPO-15DPO)
Period came on 17DPO

Overall I felt much better in IVF#2. Since the results were both negative, it doesn't really matter if I felt better this cycle or not.

I thought I wanted to share this info for those IVFers agonizing over the various symptoms they go through.

Dr. wants to see me for consultation. That's on October 29. I don't know... my mind is so blank right now.