15 posts tagged “pregnancy”

I was supposed to have a laparoscopy to treat my stage IV endometriosis. The doctor said it was my judgment call to have it done. I had one last March (2007) and he doesn't like multiple surgeries if not neccesary. The symptom was pretty severe during the last IVF cycle and I thought it had come back. Dr did the ultrasound and he didn’t think so but I had decided to do.

 

Then after all the meds washed out of my body, the symptoms just stopped. So I figured all the ailments were caused by the IVF meds and cancelled the surgery.

 

Dr wanted to meet with me to follow up for my options. Yeah, as if I have a lot of options to get pregnant…

 

Today, my husband and I had a consultation with the doctor and we’ve decided to give one more shot. And this is really the last one. It’s going to be another $5000… It was hard enough to spend that much money the last time. It’s harder this time, and we have decided (and know) that this is the LAST one. He is expecting extra $3000 coming in soon, so we’ve decided to go for it. Plus I’ll be 39 by the time this whole thing is over. For women over 40 with their own eggs, the IVF chances are around 1%. I have no intention of doing the IVF with somebody else’s DNA (egg). What’s the point of getting pregnant? I rather adopt.

 

Anyway, so we are going to do another cycle… At least I know what to expect and not to expect. It should be easier mentally (yeah...)

 

I’m supposed to call the doctor’s office in July when I get my period. Of course I could’ve started a month earlier (in June) but we don’t have $5000 by then.

 

I'm doing the cycle differently - no pills. They are going straight to Lupron and other stuff. Injection is different too. It starts with M. Not Gonal-F. Ohh I forgot. It was too much information today. I will sort out my head first and write again.  

 

 

The doctor's office just called. The nurse sounded quite depressed. They must hate making this kind of phone calls. I'd dread it. Yes, the result was negative. But I knew it. Not because I had this "hunch". Because my period started yesterday. It wasn't "spotting" and it was indeed the period, so I knew. I even stopped taking the progesterone since yesterday.

Funny thing is I wasn't as upset as I thought I'd be. I was rather relieved. I wasn't relieved because it didn't work. I was relieved because I knew it didn't work and still had to wait for two full weeks. It was so agonizing. I tried to remain hopeful, but when something inside you tells you otherwise, it's hard to ignore.

What's next? My husband tried to cheer me up, I felt so bad. He said "I almost died a few times in my life, being alive and being married to you alone is a gift. So not having a baby is not the worst thing." I almost cried.

We've talked about adoption before. But when I told him how much it'd cost to adopt, we knew that wasn't our option either. Oddly enough, having a baby via IVF as expensive as it is, it's much more economical if successful.

We are going to have a consultation with the doctor next Friday to discuss our options. If we can get another grant, at least we can consider the possibility of another cycle. We don't know yet. We can't go bankrupt for IVF. We still gotta live our lives, y'know...

Anyway, those pregnancy tests were accurate. Sorry for doubting you, HPT!

Tomorrow is long awaited 14 DPT (14 days post transfer/Day 33).

I feel like singing "Tomorow" - tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow...  Will I love tomorrow? Will it give me a great birthday present I wanted so long?

I took the last HPT this morning. The test result was big fat negative. Couldn't get any more negative than that - one dark line - I used First Response. And I have bloody discharge again. I kind of have cramps too. This time it's more like the cramps, not the weird sharp pains. Maybe I am getting my period? This is such a vicious circle!

Well, this emotional roller coaster  will end tomorrow and possibly my journey to have a baby will end too.
I'm trying not to get depressed.

It's hard not to be pessimistic when the odds are all against you. I can't help feeling bad for my husband either, who wants a baby more than me actually. The problems are all on me. He is very healthy. He says I'm silly to feel that way but it's hard not to.

Taking three negative pregnancy tests didn't help being positive either. Probably I should have just waited for the blood test. Ah well, what's done is done.

It's raining hard in New York today. It's supposed to rain all day. The big storm that hit the Dallas area is hitting our region today, they said.

My husband OK'd me to have one drink today. I guess he figured I needed a little picker-upper!

Is this a bad thing that there are no more sharp pains, buttache, breast tenderness, no suspicious discharge, and frequent urination. I never used to get up at night to pee. How many times I've done that the past month?

I had a slight pain in the left ovary tonight (only a little bit - nothing like yesterday's). I think I'm just exhausting myself mentally. I'm sure a lot of women are like that during the two-week wait.

 

Today I almost forgot how antsy I've been for the blood test. The reason is the sharp pains that have been attacking my right ovary. The pain is so bad I had to lean forward at my desk for a while. It's not 24/7. It comes, stays for a bit and it goes. Then it comes back! I had a little bit of pain in the left ovary too but mostly (90%) is from the right side. This is definitely not the usual cramps I'd have before my period. It was minimal yesterday, and today it's been agonizing me all day. Now I'm worried that my Stage IV endometriosis came back in full force. It'd be such a bad news for my IVF treatment. Severe endometriosis is one of the worst enemies for infertility treatments.

Also I took a pregnancy test. This would be the first of the three tests (I bought 3-stick package so I might as well use them all). After waiting for 5 minutes, I saw the result. This is what people call BFN (Big Fat Negative) eh? My heart didn't sink that much. A few days ago when I got this weird sensation that I failed, my heart sank much lower. Nevertheless I'm disappointed. Should I try tomorrow again or wait until Wednesday?

Will it come back positive even it came back SOO negative on Day 30 (11 DPT)?

Normally two weeks just fly by but indeed this is the longest two weeks I've ever experienced. Friday is my 38th birthday. The test will be on Thursday. Last birthday, I had the laparoscopic surgery for Stage IV endometriosis. It's definitely not the ideal way to spend your birthday. This year, either I will have a big birthday present for me, or I will have most depressing birthday. Yikes.

Keep telling myself "Have some hope" over and over.

I've calmed down a little bit. It's not that I gave up or became more hopeful, I just reassured myself there is nothing I can do - so why fret.

Today is Day 29 (10 DPT). My husband is away until Tuesday so I went to the clinic to get the progesterone injection. Wow the nurse is super-fast compared to my husband! She laughed hearing my awe. "That's my job, I do this all the time!" I know, still it's super-fast!

The bloody, pinky discharge was only a little bit during the day. I didn't see any in the evening. My ovaries still have sharp pains though. My head is oozy too. The funny (!?) thing is, my breast tenderness is gone, my buttache is pretty much gone. The cramp is gone too (other than the sharp pain in the ovaries). Is this a good sign or bad sign? I think the pain I have is related to my endometriosis (my diagnosis).  Oh I had severe back pain (lower back) too. This was the same pain I had right before the surgery for the endometriosis a year ago. Maybe the spotting is related to the endometriosis rather than the implantation??

I bought the pregnancy tests. I haven't tested yet. I'm not supposed to. I was strictly told not to, by the doctor. They said because it's not accurate. I think it's worse to have the false-positive test rather than hit with NEGATIVE. You get so excited and shot down the toilet. My husband is kind of square so he'd be upset if I told him I bought the test.

I think I will use it tomorrow morning. Either way, I will be able to prepare myself.

I heard taking the progesterone delays the period. I wonder if it does with me. I'm pretty regular. But the past four months, I've been irregular (between 27 - 32). I used to be consistent 28-day girl. So I consider the 27 - 32 day cycle very irregular! I had all the symptoms for the period, and it's been almost 4 days since it started. Now nothing.

I got the 3-test package so I can test for 3 days before the HCG test on Thursday.

My heart is sinking.

My scheduled blood test is next Thursday (March 20), and I already feel like I know the result.
The bloody (just a trace) discharge has been consistent since it started a few days ago. It's not much, but it's always there and now the amount is increasing. I don't think it is implantation spotting anymore.  And I have cramps (just like I always have right before my period).  My period is about to start.

My husband is going away for a few days so I need to go to the clinic to get the progesterone shots until Tuesday. Deep down I feel like I know it's not necessary.

I'm not too depressed since this feeling took kind of gradual turn. I don't know for sure but when your gut tells you something, you just know... Of course it'd be a nice surprise if my feeling is proven wrong. But I feel I need to prepare myself to be disappointed. I mention this to my husband and he said "continue what we are doing (progesterone shots etc.)" until we know for sure. He said my body's been acting up since the IVF so it may not be the cramp or period. He is right in theory.

Being hopeful is all I can do. It's so depressing.

OK. It's very easy to be paranoid when you are going through the one-time only IVF. It may be my excuse, but there you have it. I am extremely paranoid. The doctor called back and he said not to be concerned (about the light green discharge). The amount and infrequency didn't worry him, the nurse said.

OK, fine. Now this morning and this afternoon, I definitely had a bloody discharge. The first one I thought I was overly "observant" if you know what I mean. But the second time consecutively with a clear trace of blood. Now I'm thinking, "Oh god, my period is starting!!!" I've never wished for my period not to come this much in my life.

It's Day 25 (6 DPT). It is a few days too early but with all these medications and shots, how would anyone expect to have a normal cycle, right?

Then I started googling. It's really bad to have the convenience of the Internet when you are extremely paranoid.

Now I come across to this term, "Implantation Bleeding". I'll just quote from a website I found (most websites said the same thing):

"Implantation bleeding occurs when an egg has been fertilized and implants into the lining of the uterus. Because the lining uterus is made up of blood, there can be a bit of blood expelled in some women.

Implantation will appear before you expect your period and many people mistaken it for spotting before their period begins. As mentioned before, most women do not experience a full on bleeding with implantation. Instead, they may experience a bit of spotting in their panties or even some pinkish or brown discharge. This usually is usually not a flowing type of blood..."

That's exactly what I experienced today. I have severe endometriosis so about a week before the period starts I experience sharp pain in my ovary(or ovaries). I had that today. I do get spotting like this too before my period. So if I get my period tomorrow. I've had all the right symptoms for it.But as hopeful as I have been,  I'm praying  I just had implantation bleeding. I guess I will find out in a few days (waay before I was hoping for).

Meanwhile I'll just keep praying and praying and praying.

I'm getting a little antsy at a possible failed IVF already. It has been a weird few days. Not much action (??) obviously - all I can do is wait. But there have been some stuff that brought my concerns and I just called the doctor.

I've been noticing some light green (almost fluorescent) discharge on and off for the past 3 days. It's not every time and it's not much. When I googled it, all say it probably is infection. Last thing I want is an infection while I wait for my sentence! I've taken antibiotics (Doxycycline and Medrol) during the retrieval/transfer period. Only thing I am taking at this stage is Progesterone. I haven't seen any suspicious looking discharge since yesterday afternoon, but I noticed bloody discharge this morning. Am I having period??!?! It's not much, just a little pinky discharge. I'm just freaking out.

If I'm going to be disappointed, I'd rather get disappointed next week at the doctor's office at least. Not this soon...

I'm on a two-day bed rest after yesterday's egg retrieval. Today is the last of the two days, but it seems forever to be  on bed rest especially when you are not sick! And I'm a very active (restless is more like it) person. Only a little more and I can resume my normal activities again. So it's not so bad.

My husband came along for the transfer and he was even admitted in the OR with me the whole time. I didn't know that they would let him come in.

I was told to have a full bladder at the time of transfer. I know holding the bladder is hard. I've run to the bathroom y'know. But this was HARD. Somehow the receptionist forgot to inform the nurse that we were waiting for the transfer, so we had to wait extra half-an-hour... I'd been drinking LOTS of water per instruction and I already had a small urge to use the bathroom. My husband insisted that I needed to drink more. It's not easy to gulp that much water in the morning!!

After we were moved to the recovery room to change into the appropriate outfit, we were told to wait more. Now I HAD TO GO. The nurse thought about it and said, "I'd let you pee for 2 seconds." 2 seconds?? Is it a looong second or exact second? Plus I wasn't sure if I could hold once "released". As we waited another 30 minutes, I couldn't hold and went to the bathroom. The urge actually got worse after peeing for 2 seconds! Now I was trying to distract myself from the thought of peeing.

After an hour of waiting, finally we went into the OR. All I could think of was "PEEING". How pathetic is that?
The procedure was more painful than expected. It's not the worst pain but it was there. And the nurse pushing down the ultrasound onto my tummy it made it worse. I think it had a lot to do with the full bladder. My husband and I could see on the big monitor that the 4 tiny embryos on the petri dish moved into the syringe by the embryologist too. How tiny they are! How could they grow to be so big?

The doctor told us that 3 of them were very good, the fourth one maybe. The fifth one was to be discarded. So as planned he transferred 4 embryos to my uterus. 

After the transfer was done, the nurse released the ultrasound from my tummy, which alleviated the pain greatly. And now I was told to stay still on the bed for another 30 minutes.

30 minutes!? "I gotta go!!" The nurse said she could bring a bedpan.  I knew my bladder was about to explode, but I just didn't want to use the bedpan to relieve myself. What a long 30 minutes that was. I was literally counting minute by minute. The moment it hit the 30-minute line, I was ready to go. I think I peed like an hour!!

One thing though, I hear of Day 3 transfer and Day 5 transfer. But mine was really Day 4 transfer. Is that weird?

Anyway, now I'm home, behaving like a good girl and staying in bed. It will be the longest 10 days of my life.