14 posts tagged “hpt”

12DP4DT (12 day post 4-day transfer) 12DPT (12 day post transfer) 16DPR (16 day post retrieval)

So it's over.

I was really hoping that this infertility blog will graduate into a pregnancy blog then a child rearing blog. I guess that was a wishful thinking. I never thought that was too much to ask.

The only way for me to get pregnant is via IVF. My fallopian tubes are severely damaged due to Stage IV endometriosis. It's pretty much the same as not having the tubes. IVFs are not covered by insurance in New York State. IUI - yes. Since my tubes are not functioning, it's no point in doing IUI.

We've done 2 IVFs which stretched our financial limit. Even if we had means to do another, when will it end? Ideally I just get pregnant right away, so no more worries. I know the reality is harder than that. I've heard of a woman doing 8 IVFs of which 4 were miscarried. To me, that's unfathomable. I totally understand her sentiment, wanting your child desperately. Maybe your body is not compatible with pregnancy. It's not fair, but there it is. I keep asking myself. Why not? Why not me? Or why not anyone who wants to have a baby? I think I can do pretty good job at raising a child. I'm sure I can. My heart cannot sink further. 

One thing I learned from this experience is that symptoms during IVF waiting periods are so irrelevant!! Although both IVFs failed sadly, I had completely different symptoms. That's why I became more hopeful the second time around.

IVF #1=Negative BFN
Lots of pains in ovaries*
Lower back pain*
Sore buttocks
Increased discharge
Cramps
Pink discharge (13 -15DPO)
Sore breasts
Full (more like swollen) breasts
Bloating
Nausea
Increased appetite
Frequent urination
Period came on 16DPO

*=most likely caused by endo symptoms. Dr thought maybe endo was stimulated too much by meds.

IVF #2=Negative BFN
Frequent urination
Brown discharge (11DPO, 14DPO, 15DPO)
Headache (12DPO-15DPO)
Period came on 17DPO

Overall I felt much better in IVF#2. Since the results were both negative, it doesn't really matter if I felt better this cycle or not.

I thought I wanted to share this info for those IVFers agonizing over the various symptoms they go through.

Dr. wants to see me for consultation. That's on October 29. I don't know... my mind is so blank right now.

11DP4DT (11 day post 4-day transfer) 11DPT (11 day post transfer) 15DPR (15 day post retrieval)

Today I'm just waiting for the period to come. If all the dates are the same as IVF #1, it won't come until tomorrow.

The brown discharge came back yesterday afternoon. It's been very, very small but pretty consistent since then and the color got darker I think. This is one of the typical premenstrual symptoms for me. Also l've been getting light cramps on and off. My husband gave me a big hug last night, said "this is not the end of the world". I replied, "but it is the end of our baby dream". He just nodded.

As hopeless as I am, I find myself still clinging to that glimmer of hope. Maybe I'm one of those miracle stories that tomorrow's test will give me a good news. I think I was like that too in the last IVF cycle until getting the period on 16dpo. Last time, my beta was scheduled on 17dpo somehow. Everything was the same. 4-day transfer and all. I wonder why... This time, the test will be on 16dpo. So if everything will be as IVF #1 was, I won't have my period until I come home from the clinic tomorrow. I don't know which would be better, to have the period the day before or the day of beta. It'd be best if it doesn't come at all! 

Either way, this torturous wait will be over tomorrow...

10DP4DT (10 day post 4-day transfer) 10DPT (10 day post transfer) 14DPR (14 day post retrieval)

My second home pregnancy test taken at 14 DPO (or DPR) was big fat Negative BFN. It cruelly indicated "Not Pregnant" yet again. I'm just stunned. I'm not as upset as I was on Saturday. I'm just speechless, nauseous, and disgusted.

I know there are still two more days until beta. The light discharge I was having seems to be gone, but it could come back. In the last IVF, I had pink discharge for three days before getting a period (16DPO). And that was the day before beta test. I didn't even get to have my blood drawn with a suspicion of pregnancy!

So this is it? It's not going to happen? Without IVF, there is no chance that I can have my own child.

I've been having a pretty bad headache for the past few days too. I held off on taking any Tyrenol but I gave in last night. It didn't help much. I think it's the stress. I mean I googled out, clinging to my slightest hopes that it could still happen.

I feel the period is imminent. My blood test is on Wednesday (16DPO/12DPT). At this point, I just want to get it over with.

9DP4DT (9 day post 4-day transfer) 9DPT (9 day post transfer) 13DPR (13 day post retrieval)

I'm not supposed to be drinking alcohol while waiting (two week wait) for HCG test. Did I tell you I love to drink? I'm not an alcoholic or anything, I just love to drink. I can drink about 4 -5 drinks every night. Since egg transfer, of course I refrained from that. When I want to have a drink, my excuse would be like "well a lot of women who don't know that they are pregnant drink, then find out later they are pregnant!" My husband's counter-attack, "they don't spend thousands of dollars to get pregnant either!". Point taken. ;-)

So I've been good except for a few beers (probably total of 3) in the past 10 days. My husband made me eat a lot of food before having "the" glass. It's hard. There are so many nice bars in New York, all within the walking distance. "Don't tempt me!!!"  I scream in my head.

The brown spotting only lasted for a day (on Friday - 7DPT/11DPO), so did cramping. I was still depressed and slept in most of the day today.

Today, I felt a gush coming out, ran to the bathroom, and saw reddish watery discharge. Just a little but enough to make you scream again. Other than that, nothing. I'm just praying and praying and praying. What else can I do?

8DP4DT (8 day post 4-day transfer) 8DPT (8 day post transfer) 12DPR (12 day post retrieval)

After writing yesterday's post, I started to have cramps and light brown discharge. My heart stopped. It was very small, however, enough to sink my high spirit. My ovaries started to have sharp pains on and off. This symptom is exactly the same as my PMS. I always get this four days before my period starts.

Googling myself like crazy, found many people who had that before positive pregnancy tests. Still I was getting depressed. To be fair, I told my husband that my period may be due soon. He hasn't said a word since transfer, I know he's trying not to put pressure on me.

He: Are you 100% sure?
Me: No.
He: Too soon. Be positive!!
Me: I know it's coming.
He: Well, we'll deal with it if it does.

Then this morning I took # 1 of two tests I bought. It was NOT PREGNANT. Yes, it was negative... I didn't tell my husband about these HPTs. Although he was acting like my fear of period was not to be concerned, I guess he was concerned. He was waiting for me outside of the bathroom this morning and said, "Any period??" "Nope..." He looked so relieved. I couldn't tell him that I took a HPT and it was negative.

I will take another test on Monday (14DPO), it will be definite by then. I'm still hoping that it will happen but my heart is sinking. All the positiveness I had yesterday morning is out the window.

 

7DP4DT (7 day post 4-day transfer) 7DPT (7 day post transfer) 11DPR (11 day post retrieval)

Writing my IVF journey here has been truly therapeutic. If I didn't have this blog to share with those in similar situations, I probably would have gone insane! I'm not kidding.

I haven't shared my IVF "ordeals" with anyone in real life. Although I'm 38, none of my friends (they are all my age!) are married. It's New York thing, I guess... They think they can have babies when they want it. It's so silly. That's sooo not true, but I used to think like that too until I realized that I didn't have any control over my reproductive organs!!

Today is 7 days post transfer. Gosh, it's been so long and I have another 5 days until the blood test. Tomorrow, I will have my first pregnancy test. Uuugh, I'm about to chicken out again. During IVF #1, the spotting started 6 days post transfer, and the period started 12 days post. So if my "nothing-ness" continues until DPT9, I think that's a good sign.

I must say I'm 100% more positive than IVF#1. During the last cycle, I already knew it failed... days before beta. It was a gut feeling. I tried to convince myself that I could be wrong. Well, I wasn't - I hate to be right all the time!! Haha.

This time, I don't feel that. I'm feeling pretty good about my odds for a + result. My husband said "if you want a positive result, you have to stay positive." It's easier said than done, my man!

I bought EPT digital pregnancy test, so I won't see those "faint" lines people are talking about. I've never seen one myself. It's always been a clear one line. Ugh.

So tomorrow, I will see either PREGNANT or NOT PREGNANT - no gray area like a faint line. Eeeewwww, I'm super scared.

3DP4DT (3 day post 4-day transfer) 3DPT (3 day post transfer) 7DPR (7 day post retrieval)

If you've failed any number of IVF cycles before, you wouldn't want to see any similar symptoms from the previous cycles either. At least that's how I feel.

Tonight, I had the yellowish greenish discharge again like last IVF. My heart immediately sank. In the previous incident, I called the doctor's office and was told not to worry. He didn't elaborate anything on that. I wish he did. I kept googling but nothing really came up, other than some other people experiencing the same thing. As long as the doctor says not to worry, it should be OK, right? I finally found out on some websites (yeah believe everything on the Internet!!) that the progesterone suppositories cause such. So really, nothing to worry. But when that cycle has failed, I really didn't want to see that again. It's like a sign for failure. I'm painfully aware it's been only 4 days since transfer, but it still hurts.

Today at the office, I said to my co-worker, "I feel like McDonald's." I NEVER feel like McDonald's. She asks, "Are you pregnant?" She is also aware that I never crave for McDonald's. I was like, "Heck, no." In truth, I'm hoping that those little embryos are starting to nest in my womb, but that's far from even possibly pregnant. Plus, I've never shared my issues with anyone, especially co-workers!

Do people crave McDonald's when they are pregnant?! That sounds awfully unhealthy. I guess people crave "unusual" things while expecting. In my case, it is possible that I may crave for McDonald's since I'd never eat it. I wonder what I'd crave if I ever become pregnant.

****

Progesterone shots since 9/30 am

Endometrin 100mg since 9/29 pm

Medrol 8mg every 12 hrs from 9/29 pm to 10/3 am

Doxycycline 100 mg every 12 hrs from 9/28 pm to 10/2 am

Novarel HCG Shot 9/27 pm 

Gonal-F 225IU from 9/16 pm to 9/27 am

Menopur 3 vials from 9/16 pm to 9/26 pm

Lupron 5 units from 9/16 pm 9/26 pm (10 units from 9/2 to 9/15 pm)

 

2DP4DT (2 day post 4-day transfer) 2DPT (2 day post transfer) 6DPR (6 day post retrieval)

I know, I know, I'm not supposed to do HPT until the beta test at the clinic. Of course I wouldn't do it today or anything. That's just silly. But I'm beginning to think when I can start testing on a pee stick. The reason is, to prepare myself. Last time, as disappointing as it was, it DID help me to prepare. As hopeful, and positive as I've been this time around, either way, I cannot have the news blasted at me. I know, I know, I sound like I'm just trying to justifying myself about "forbidden" HPT.

Anyway, I may test once this weekend like Friday, then again on Monday or something. That sounds reasonable enough.

5 embryos have been transferred. Honestly, I don't think all will implant. Last time 4 embryos were transferred and none implanted. I don't think they even stuck for one day, since my period came right on time despite the daily progesterone shots.

All we want is 1 or 2. My husband just wants 1. Not that having cute twins is tempting, he is worried about my health and fetal development. Well, he has a point. Anyway, God should know we are not being greedy. We just want to be blessed with one baby. Also having 5 embryos being transferred, there are risks of multiples. Gosh, that would be hard. I did agree to the Dr that I will reduce if that happens. I will deal with it when that happens, I guess. For now, I'm praying at least 1 embryo will stick to my uterus. That's all I want.
 
As for dealing with this tough two-week wait (technically it was 12 day wait, now 9-day wait!), me as ever-obsessive IVFer, I'm staring at the homemade chart. I know it's nuts. Every symptom from IVF#1 was recorded so I have something to compare this time such as when did I start to have bloody discharge, cramps or any kind of pains, etc. If the same shit doesn't have this cycle, I'm hoping I have better signs of good news (BFP)!

****

Progesterone shots since 9/30 am

Endometrin 100mg since 9/29 pm

Medrol 8mg every 12 hrs from 9/29 pm to 10/3 am

Doxycycline 100 mg every 12 hrs from 9/28 pm to 10/2 am

Novarel HCG Shot 9/27 pm 

Gonal-F 225IU from 9/16 pm to 9/27 am

Menopur 3 vials from 9/16 pm to 9/26 pm

Lupron 5 units from 9/16 pm 9/26 pm (10 units from 9/2 to 9/15 pm)

 

The doctor's office just called. The nurse sounded quite depressed. They must hate making this kind of phone calls. I'd dread it. Yes, the result was negative. But I knew it. Not because I had this "hunch". Because my period started yesterday. It wasn't "spotting" and it was indeed the period, so I knew. I even stopped taking the progesterone since yesterday.

Funny thing is I wasn't as upset as I thought I'd be. I was rather relieved. I wasn't relieved because it didn't work. I was relieved because I knew it didn't work and still had to wait for two full weeks. It was so agonizing. I tried to remain hopeful, but when something inside you tells you otherwise, it's hard to ignore.

What's next? My husband tried to cheer me up, I felt so bad. He said "I almost died a few times in my life, being alive and being married to you alone is a gift. So not having a baby is not the worst thing." I almost cried.

We've talked about adoption before. But when I told him how much it'd cost to adopt, we knew that wasn't our option either. Oddly enough, having a baby via IVF as expensive as it is, it's much more economical if successful.

We are going to have a consultation with the doctor next Friday to discuss our options. If we can get another grant, at least we can consider the possibility of another cycle. We don't know yet. We can't go bankrupt for IVF. We still gotta live our lives, y'know...

Anyway, those pregnancy tests were accurate. Sorry for doubting you, HPT!

Tomorrow is long awaited 14 DPT (14 days post transfer/Day 33).

I feel like singing "Tomorow" - tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow...  Will I love tomorrow? Will it give me a great birthday present I wanted so long?

I took the last HPT this morning. The test result was big fat negative. Couldn't get any more negative than that - one dark line - I used First Response. And I have bloody discharge again. I kind of have cramps too. This time it's more like the cramps, not the weird sharp pains. Maybe I am getting my period? This is such a vicious circle!

Well, this emotional roller coaster  will end tomorrow and possibly my journey to have a baby will end too.
I'm trying not to get depressed.

It's hard not to be pessimistic when the odds are all against you. I can't help feeling bad for my husband either, who wants a baby more than me actually. The problems are all on me. He is very healthy. He says I'm silly to feel that way but it's hard not to.

Taking three negative pregnancy tests didn't help being positive either. Probably I should have just waited for the blood test. Ah well, what's done is done.

It's raining hard in New York today. It's supposed to rain all day. The big storm that hit the Dallas area is hitting our region today, they said.

My husband OK'd me to have one drink today. I guess he figured I needed a little picker-upper!