Silly Goose

Aarrgh

nobody@vox.com(Silly Goose) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 12:50:36 -0400

Everything with my IVF starts with this... AAARRGGGHH. Is it an actual word?!

After being told that I will do the IVF in August, then being told that they will do the shutdown in August, then being told that it will be fine because the transfer will be at the end of the month -so I can start the cycle when I get my period in August as scheduled. (their lab shutdown is in mid-August) This is what I was told the last time I spoke with the nurse on 7/10.

I won't be on the pill this time - once I get my period in August, I will start Lupron, Menopur, etc... OK, I will do that then. If I get my period on schedule, it won't have a conflict with my September travel plan. (My parents are visiting my in-laws... Ugh itself...)

NOW my period started last night right on schedule, so left a message to the office this morning - I have all my meds ready to start Lupron (as per the nurse's last instruction).

A nurse (different one) calls back and says, "OK, call us back at the end of the month for an exam."
?!?!?!?!?!?!?
"Excuse me!?"

My mind immediately goes blank.

Me: What do you mean? When am I starting Lupron?
Nurse: Well, you just got the period, right? So come back to the office on Day 17 (8/28) for an exam and will see when you will start the cycle.
Me: ?????? No, the retrieval and transfer are at the end of the month. I'm supposed to start Lupron when I get the period.
Nurse: That's not what the chart says here.
Me: Well, the last nurse I spoke to said, I won't be on the pill this time. Once I get my period, call the office, get the exam and be on Lupron from Day 2.
Nurse: Maybe I have a wrong chart? What's your DOB?
Me: (silently screaming.... gave her my DOB)
Nurse: Well, it is your chart. I can't instruct you anything other than what's here. I'll call you back when I talked to your designated nurse and the doctor.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH. I told her the retrieval and transfer have to be done by September 1, and the last nurse said it should be fine.

I'm beyond myself. Why everything has to be so frustrating and complicated?! Doing the IVF alone is frustrating enough. Don't they get it!?!?!?

I'm still waiting for the "call back".

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Another delay

nobody@vox.com(Silly Goose) — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 14:26:48 -0400

So now we are told it will cost us $6,490 plus meds to do another round of IVF. Last time we paid $5,000 plus meds. The IVF cost is $4,990 - so it's pretty much the same but the doctor has decided to do the assisted hatching this time. That's additional of $1,500... We barely came up with $5,000. I don't know how we are going to come up with another $1,500. Plus they told me that the IVF is shut down in August that the last patient to start the procedure had to start on Lupron last week!!! Excuse me?? The doctor and the nurse told us the plan which was to start lupron at the end of July (Day 21 of my period). The finance dept. said that won't do. She said I need to talk to the nurse what's going on. I'm flabbergasted. I planned everything around this possible IVF cycle in August whether I can afford it or not. They even wrote it in my chart!

My parents are visiting us in mid-September, knowing how involved this IVF cycle is, we cannot do it until they leave. I left a message to the nurse department. It seems like nothing goes right. I know I'm being a drama queen again. What can I say, that's my middle name... But still, this is so not fair. I also left a message to the doctor if he can reduce the cost by $1,000 at least. We spend $5,000 plus already!!

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Here we go again…

nobody@vox.com(Silly Goose) — Wed, 28 May 2008 16:57:58 -0400

I was supposed to have a laparoscopy to treat my stage IV endometriosis. The doctor said it was my judgment call to have it done. I had one last March (2007) and he doesn't like multiple surgeries if not neccesary. The symptom was pretty severe during the last IVF cycle and I thought it had come back. Dr did the ultrasound and he didn’t think so but I had decided to do.

Then after all the meds washed out of my body, the symptoms just stopped. So I figured all the ailments were caused by the IVF meds and cancelled the surgery.

Dr wanted to meet with me to follow up for my options. Yeah, as if I have a lot of options to get pregnant…

Today, my husband and I had a consultation with the doctor and we’ve decided to give one more shot. And this is really the last one. It’s going to be another $5000… It was hard enough to spend that much money the last time. It’s harder this time, and we have decided (and know) that this is the LAST one. He is expecting extra $3000 coming in soon, so we’ve decided to go for it. Plus I’ll be 39 by the time this whole thing is over. For women over 40 with their own eggs, the IVF chances are around 1%. I have no intention of doing the IVF with somebody else’s DNA (egg). What’s the point of getting pregnant? I rather adopt.

Anyway, so we are going to do another cycle… At least I know what to expect and not to expect. It should be easier mentally (yeah...)

I’m supposed to call the doctor’s office in July when I get my period. Of course I could’ve started a month earlier (in June) but we don’t have $5000 by then.

I'm doing the cycle differently - no pills. They are going straight to Lupron and other stuff. Injection is different too. It starts with M. Not Gonal-F. Ohh I forgot. It was too much information today. I will sort out my head first and write again.

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No period after IVF?

nobody@vox.com(Silly Goose) — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 12:51:13 -0400

I had a failed IVF, and had a period the day before the blood test. I guess it wasn't really necessary to do the test.. I'm waiting for my period. I'm a week late. It'd be nice if that's a sign that I'm pregnant but I know I'm not.

I read that your cycle can get out of whack after IVF. It's not really surprising though, with all those meds you put into your body...

I'm still waiting if I will qualify for a grant program but I think I know it won't do. Even with it, we will have to shell out about $8,000 hard cash. There is no way we can come up with that kind of money in a few months.

My husband is ever hopeful that a miracle may happen... Men are such a dreamer.

[NOTE] My period came on Day 34 - didn't post about that by the way.

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Holistic approach

nobody@vox.com(Silly Goose) — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 16:05:52 -0400

Now our last IVF option is up in the air. We've decided to try alternatives. Nothing drastic really. Some holistic ways to improve my body to become fertility-friendly. I have Stage IV endometriosis and haven't been feeling too well after all the meds I've taken for the IVF. I don't think the IVF meds go well with the endo condition. That means my body has reverse effect with IVF. Ugh.

We are not certain if we can get the grant money for the IVF. Even if we did, our share will probably increase to around $8,000. If that's the case, we can't afford it anyway. Only option for us to get pregnant is PRAY!

To start the holistic treatment, I have to give up all animal products (except fish), dairy. Soy products are OK if minimal. Exercise is essential. Acupuncture, reflexology. etc. is a plus.

Things to eat: veggies, seaweed, fish, root veggies, walnuts, onion

I may post a detailed description of my alternative treatment later. Now I just wanted to mention what I have started. I don't know if it improves my odds, but it's better than being so depressed and feeling sorry for myself.

The springy weather helps too. :-)

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Everything is grey...

nobody@vox.com(Silly Goose) — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 20:53:39 -0400

There were a few things I wanted to clarify at today's appointment.

1. Will I be eligible for the grant program?
2. Will I need another surgery for endometriosis?
3. What would be our success ratio considering the IVF we just had?

Basically, none were answered...

They don't have the money from the grant yet, so they don't know if or when they will be able to give us an answer (2 ~ 4 weeks?). There are people waiting for the grant money to do their first IVF which would have more priority than us (naturally). So the money may not reach our pocket.

According to the today's ultrasound, the sign of the current endometriosis is not so severe. So it's our (me and my husband's) judgment call whether to do surgery to remove the endometriosis or not. The doctor doesn't see it as necessity nor would it increase our odds of conceiving.

Anyway we scheduled a laparoscopy on May 29. The doctor said it wouldn't lessen our chance if it doesn't increase. My husband and I were pretty certain until this morning that I should have this surgery but now I'm not so sure now. Also I wouldn't go through with this surgery if we are not going to get the grant money.

The doc said the best cure for the endometriosis is to get pregnant. But having endometriosis is preventing me from getting pregnant. It just sucks.

I feel like I'm back to square one. I just need to wait for their finance department to tell me the eligibility. If I'm eligible, most likely I will have an IVF in August or something.

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Unsuccessful IVF

nobody@vox.com(Silly Goose) — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 12:46:03 -0400

The doctor's office just called. The nurse sounded quite depressed. They must hate making this kind of phone calls. I'd dread it. Yes, the result was negative. But I knew it. Not because I had this "hunch". Because my period started yesterday. It wasn't "spotting" and it was indeed the period, so I knew. I even stopped taking the progesterone since yesterday.

Funny thing is I wasn't as upset as I thought I'd be. I was rather relieved. I wasn't relieved because it didn't work. I was relieved because I knew it didn't work and still had to wait for two full weeks. It was so agonizing. I tried to remain hopeful, but when something inside you tells you otherwise, it's hard to ignore.

What's next? My husband tried to cheer me up, I felt so bad. He said "I almost died a few times in my life, being alive and being married to you alone is a gift. So not having a baby is not the worst thing." I almost cried.

We've talked about adoption before. But when I told him how much it'd cost to adopt, we knew that wasn't our option either. Oddly enough, having a baby via IVF as expensive as it is, it's much more economical if successful.

We are going to have a consultation with the doctor next Friday to discuss our options. If we can get another grant, at least we can consider the possibility of another cycle. We don't know yet. We can't go bankrupt for IVF. We still gotta live our lives, y'know...

Anyway, those pregnancy tests were accurate. Sorry for doubting you, HPT!

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Tomorrow

nobody@vox.com(Silly Goose) — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 12:12:00 -0400

Tomorrow is long awaited 14 DPT (14 days post transfer/Day 33).

I feel like singing "Tomorow" - tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow... Will I love tomorrow? Will it give me a great birthday present I wanted so long?

I took the last HPT this morning. The test result was big fat negative. Couldn't get any more negative than that - one dark line - I used First Response. And I have bloody discharge again. I kind of have cramps too. This time it's more like the cramps, not the weird sharp pains. Maybe I am getting my period? This is such a vicious circle!

Well, this emotional roller coaster will end tomorrow and possibly my journey to have a baby will end too.
I'm trying not to get depressed.

It's possible the blood test may come positive.
We may somehow be able to do another cycle.

It's hard not to be pessimistic when the odds are all against you. I can't help feeling bad for my husband either, who wants a baby more than me actually. The problems are all on me. He is very healthy. He says I'm silly to feel that way but it's hard not to.

Taking three negative pregnancy tests didn't help being positive either. Probably I should have just waited for the blood test. Ah well, what's done is done.

It's raining hard in New York today. It's supposed to rain all day. The big storm that hit the Dallas area is hitting our region today, they said.

My husband OK'd me to have one drink today. I guess he figured I needed a little picker-upper!

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No nothing?

nobody@vox.com(Silly Goose) — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 21:11:35 -0400

Is this a bad thing that there are no more sharp pains, buttache, breast tenderness, no suspicious discharge, and frequent urination. I never used to get up at night to pee. How many times I've done that the past month?

I had a slight pain in the left ovary tonight (only a little bit - nothing like yesterday's). I think I'm just exhausting myself mentally. I'm sure a lot of women are like that during the two-week wait.

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Another day of waiting...

nobody@vox.com(Silly Goose) — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 11:05:59 -0400

My husband is still away. He is supposed to return late tonight (He is visiting his father who has terminal cancer). Today was the last day getting the progesterone injection at the clinic. It's only a 5-minute subway ride from home, so it wasn't that bad. It certainly is easier to get it done at home.

I took another HPT (2nd of the three) this morning. It was negative. It's Day 31 (12 DPT) today. Not even a faint line was there. You know, you hear people saying "at least I saw a faint line next to the test line"? NADA. It really was big fat negative. Probably it was silly of me to take another test after yesterday. I couldn't help it if you know what I mean.

Yesterday was St. Paddy's Day. I'm a drinker. I love to drink, however, trying to be a good girl, I didn't even have a sip on St. Paddy's day. I'm not Irish but who can resist "the official all-you-can-drink day"? I told friends that I was sick. That's the only way for them to believe that I wouldn't be drinking especially on St. Patrick's day. The thing is, nobody (except my husband of course) knows that I'm going through IVF. I put enough pressure on myself, I don't want meddling friends who have no idea what is like to be infertile to be inquisitive. Thank god for the Internet.

I was just thinking whether it is possible to do another IVF. Financially it's pretty much out of the question. Even paying for this round was hard. When I found out the cryopreservation would cost $1,600, I almost had a heart attack. Though it turned out it was an unnecessary worry.

We paid $5,000 plus meds (approx. $200 so far) plus the cost of anesthesia ($500). Co-pays prior to the actual IVF cycle has been $40 per visit (yikes). The nurse told me that I will have to get more progesterone shots and suppositories in case I became pregnant. I think the progesterone was the most expensive meds (with insurance co-pay). The original cost for my IVF was $11,000 I think (not sure anymore). Thanks to the government grant program, we only had to pay $5,000. It's still $5,000. That was tough.

I don't know if we'd qualify for another round of IVF. Even if we did, can we afford it without maxing out our credit cards?

Well, it's 2 days too soon to be worried about that, isn't it?

Another long day continues.

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